Question: what is truly possible in a small coastal suburb?
I grew up in Southeast Florida – on boats, jetskis, knee boards, surf boards, and paddle boards – surrounded by manatees, and pelicans, and eating kingfish, wahoo, and lobster. My favorite days were ones spent entirely outside exploring different parks on our bikes, or just spending the full day on the sand under the sun with a pub sub in hand. I am so incredibly grateful for my childhood and think back on it with such joy.
We moved away right before my senior year of high school.
Uprooting
I was devastated but my dad had an opportunity for work so who was I to make that difficult for him? I acted excited so that he wouldn’t feel guilty, when I knew he needed to go regardless of how I felt about it. So off to Charleston, SC, we went.
I will say on days when the sadness of leaving my friends wasn’t so heavy, I was able to dream of what my new life would look like. I had Pinterest boards and a list of places to see, restaurants and cafes to try, and shops to wander through. I imagined us living on King St. above the shoppes overlooking the horse drawn carriages passing by below.
Though we didn’t end up moving downtown, I did spend much of my year there. Walking the battery, looking at the cannons and the statues, and imagining the ships battling in the harbor all those years ago. I walked the market, and toured the historic sites. I felt the ghosts walk the streets after sunset. I learned so much about this area, and this little segment of our history. I love stories, history, and art depicting that as well as the landscape, so you can imagine I was a pretty happy girl, considering.
The friends I made at school would take me to the beach so I would feel at home – but the sand was hard and cold. The wind was often chilly, and the water wasn’t clear all the way to my feet like I was used to. It was the first time I was nervous to be in the water because I couldn’t see what was around me. I know this is how many American beaches are across the country, and honestly the world, and it wasn’t any less beautiful by any means! I loved the long wooden boardwalk bridges to the sand, and the tall sweetgrass folding over in the breeze, and the sand crabs running to and fro. I loved the families flying kites, and eating ice cream. It was a beautiful place to be. I was beyond blessed to experience it, and I still love it there to this day, but it wasn’t home.
College years: FSU. A world of it’s own.
Everyone always says college will be the best years of your life – soak it up. While I don’t believe in the idea of them being the best years, when there’s so much left to come, but I do believe in giving it everything you have and not letting the time pass you by.
I can’t speak to other colleges, people have school spirit all over the country – just look at the sports fans – but after visiting so many colleges, and I know I’m biased, but I feel FSU stands on its own. It is it’s own town within a town. The school itself is gorgeous, with the spanish moss covered oaks, and open fields with fountains. The students walking together laughing, or lounging on the green with a blanket, their pet bunnies hopping about. Colorful birds fly overhead. Everyone looks happy. I could go on and on about my time there. I tried to be involved in as much as I could, and I still feel like there were more things I could’ve done.
I spent a lot of time outside. I skateboarded, biked, or walked to class to be in the open air. The difficulty with parking on campus made this easier anyway, but I really enjoyed it.
I frequented The Rez all the time to get my water fix in. It was a park off campus on a huge lake. There were sand volleyball courts, and kayaks that you could borrow to get to the other side of the lake and meander through the mangroves. After paddling around, I’d just lean back and soak up the sun. We’d picnic on the beach, and then head back home.
Everything about FSU was a dream.
Graduation and becoming an adult.
I graduated my master’s program and started my job less than two weeks later. I was so excited to start, and my new boss and I had developed a nice relationship right away and I was eager to get started building upon his vision. Looking back, I wish I would have taken a little time between finishing school and starting ‘real’ life. Many of my friends graduated in May, and started their jobs in August. That would have been really nice, but I jumped right in.
Best part about it: I was moving home!
All I wanted from the career fair at school was to get home. Back to my little beach town where I had been away from for 5 years. I was over the moon.
Reality check
A big chunk of my family had moved away, same with all of my friends. So in a place where I once felt most like myself, I now felt completely out of my element. Nothing was the same, and I felt alone.
Adult life can get to you pretty fast. You have all these big new responsibilities at work, learning how to do the work in the first place, and now you have big girl finances on top of it all. Needing to buy my first car (the car my dad had loaned me was on it’s last leg), and get my first apartment in the same month, and pay utilities and car insurance, and very quickly your student loans kick in… It was a whirlwind.
I celebrated my 22nd birthday at my desk two weeks into the job. Granted, my desk overlooked a stunning marina, and the sky was blue with fluffy cumulonimbus clouds. It was a gorgeous day, and I just wanted to be outside. But that’s real life for you. You have work.
I was so beyond grateful for my job then, and still am to this day, but it is interesting to look back and see the stark differences and changes in your general lifestyle in just a few years time. My job is everything I could’ve dreamed of and more. I love the people, I love the work, I love the places I get to go, and the experiences I get to have. I wouldn’t change any of it.
Looking back on everything, I realize what was missing – and it had nothing to do with my job.
Getting out of debt
As the job grew, the stress grew. I struggled to make new friends with such a busy work schedule, and my #1 focus was getting rid of my debt as quickly as I could. Which, I am very pleased to say, I was finally able to do right before my 5 year work-anniversary several months ago.
Getting rid of my debt was the first big breath of air I’d had in a long time. You don’t truly realize the weight of it until it’s gone. I am so thankful for my brother and his wife for their advice on this, and now that I’ve done it, and learned so much in the process, it makes me so happy to pass the knowledge forward to my friends.
Why does all that matter?
So 5 and a half years have passed. I accomplished my goal. What’s next?
I look back on these years and I can’t help but be met with a lot of sadness. The loneliness. This ‘off’ feeling. The feeling of not being at home anymore.
A lot of wonderful things happened in this time, too!
Figuring out what “home” feels like.
I traveled across the pond for the first time. My work brought me to London, which is such a blessing to even be able to say. So my father, my boyfriend, and I took those opportunities to visit other countries, as well. What absolutely life-changing experiences these were. Seeing the different cities, landscapes, people, culture, all of it.
It really opened my eyes to different ways of life. I loved the hustle and bustle of the big cities over there but it did feel slower than the cities in the states. The architecture has character, so does the interior of the shops and cafes, the hanging flowers everywhere, and even the people with their styles are all unique. They gather in the square and enjoy their afternoon tea together.
The countrysides were otherworldly. Each country had a different landscape, of course, but each one blew me away. I was completely astonished by it all – and so beyond thankful for the time.
I visited my grandmother, who had moved to the mountains, a lot during these years, as well. It was the only place that actually felt like home to me. I knew why.
She was home to me.
She still is.
The nature in her area helped so much, too – it’s unbelievably beautiful. The mountains never look the same, day to day. The air is fresh and the birds are singing. The sun passes through the leaves in the forest and makes pretty designs on the paths. The waterfalls are cold and exhilarating. The horses are kind to us strangers that ride them and their barn dogs lead the way, their tails wagging.
I see cardinals on the porch and think of my grandfather with his morning paper and his kind eyes. His full white mustache curved with his smile. I see the fire crackling and think of all my grandmother’s friends in this neighborhood who have been so sweet to me. Each of them with their own interests: a pottery maker, a master gardener, a publisher, an ex-FBI agent, a world traveler, a former college president, a rock collector, a new baker.
It’s a community and they are so happy for you to be there with them, and they want to hear about everything. They want to know all about you, and you them, of course. Who wouldn’t! They’re all incredible in their own ways.
I always felt sad to leave, but my whole body always felt refreshed at the same time.
As I had mentioned, much of my family had moved away from my home. My friends had moved, too. In that time, two of my grandfathers and my step-grandmother, all of whom I adored so much, had passed. My cousins had grown during this time where I was so busy, and now they all have very busy schedules of their own.
Everybody is busy. Busy busy busy. It’s the most common response these days. “How’s everything been?” “Good! Busy.”
I’m tired of busy.
I want to bring that feeling, the feeling of being at my grandmother’s in the mountains, the feeling of being in those places overseas, to here – to my little coastal town that I’ve cherished for so long.
I want my body to feel at peace here the way it does there. What gives that peace?
Nature.
Digging roots back down.
I have new family and new friends here, and I see them often. I love them all dearly! New babies are born and people are celebrating.
I have a community again. It has been such a huge and important part of fixing that feeling. The loneliness has faded but there was a part that was still missing.
That was the nature.
That’s what I’m always yearning for. What I’m always trying to escape to. Whenever I feel overstressed, I want to fly to the mountains, just to lay in the grass with my grandmother’s dog and hear the leaves rustling in the wind. I want the sun on my face, and fireflies floating along the grass beside me. I want to check in on the neighborhood garden and smell the flowers.
But I can have that here. You can have that where you are, as well. You just need to be the one to start building it.
The birth of the Coastal Homestead Dream
I want to bring back long summer days in the sun. A beach day that seems to never end. I want slow mornings with coffee in the garden, birds chirping, butterflies flapping, bees buzzing, squirrels dashing. I want ducks quacking, and dogs sniffing. I want donkeys braying and horses neighing. I want goats bleating and fresh eggs sizzling, and sourdough baking. I want flowers blooming and the smell of salt in the air, salt in my hair. I want sun showers and pink skies. I want dinners outside with laughter, and music, and lightbulbs glowing. I want game nights and homemade meals and babies babbling.
I want all that right here. At home.
I want my home to feel like home again.
While, I do wish all of my people would move back here, because home is where your community is, the truth is they love their new homes, and I love that for them. So I’ve settled for more visits which I’ve been very happy about these past months.
All I can do is work to create the environment and community that my heart has been aching for and that I’ve experienced in the mountains and overseas.
I have already started creating my own garden: building up the ecosystem so that the plants, and the birds, and the squirrels, and the bees thrive here. I’ll share that next. There’s a lot.
I have learned to make sourdough bread, and bagels, and english muffins.
The idea of self-sufficiency and homesteading scratches an itch in my soul.
I’d like to get ducks sometime soon, so we can have fresh eggs and feel more in tune with nature, and our food. My brother has already done this in his town, and I simply adore sitting on his back porch watching the ladies (chickens) poke around.
Other animals are a dream, as well, and it will come, but that requires a different plot of land.
So we’re starting with what we have!
Making my home a sanctuary for myself, my family, and my friends, so they want to gather here and be together. Creating a welcoming environment for the native species so that the home is bubbling with life inside and out.
That’s the dream.
Song of the week: weren’t for the wind – Ella Langley.